Comedic Chronologist Gifts

"Three clocks in this room, one in the kitchen, one in the front room, one in the hallway, aother three tickling upstairs, oh, and a watch in his waistcoat pocket. No forgetting the old grandfather clock in the shed. It's the most exercise he gets. Twice a year."

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

"My computer just texted me."

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

Runner going through hurdles.

Wedding Selfie

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

"Hey! This is news."

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

"Don't think of it as hell. . . just think of it as a normally recurring seasonal weather pattern."

Glimpses One Dollar

Monkey Business College

Stopping Time in order to Finish Book

Man in boat sees clock rising in distance instead of the sun.

'I'm knitting you sweater... do you want it too big or too small?'

Men and Women's changing rooms

"This weekend is seriously messing with some of my previously held beliefs."

"His last words were: Tell Martha to pay the doctors first."

Screenwasher cleaning buggy.

"Uh-oh! Here comes trouble!"

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

'I've got an epistle to the Corinthians, ten shekels postage due.'

'I just can't keep up with all this modern technology.'

"What's the big deal? All these politicians talk about a health care plan! I have a health care plan!"

The real reason the Chinese emperor built the great wall.

I'm a logofile, Lance. That means I'm a lover of words. What's the word for a lover of logs? "#@%=$!"

Spider Facts.

"Oops! Sorry! Clocks forward, clocks back, immigration,migration. . . I never know whether I'm coming or going!"

'We moved here so we could have a wide screen.'

I'm afraid of heights.

"What they hell are we looking at."

Cave drawing copyrighted.

'I'm sorry, we are looking for a different kind of party animal.'