Historical Comedian Gifts

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The First Thanksgiving

'...So one day I just decided to walk away from my mortgage and, well... one thing led to another...'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

Apples for sale

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

Vlad the Impala

Mount Olympus Brewery. Those might be dangerous to open. They're Pandora's Bocks.

"There's only one 'L' in colosseum."

"No. I can't 'let it out a bit'. It's armour, you'll just have to go on a diet!"

'We might make more progress if we try working as a team.'

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

"We're having one heck of a time building that trapezoidal thing of yours..."

"I'd say this pair of sixes beats your hand."

"Please! No harmonizing during ululations!"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Crown Jewels

"Can Olaf come out to pillage and plunder?"

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

"When are they going to change the 'feature'?"

"Right here's fine."

It isn't widely known that Michelangelo was the first in a long line of cartoonists to buck the family tradition.

'The wheel was easy, the owner's manual is hard!'

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

What's an Imax cave?

The discovery of asparagus.

"Hipsters"

"Why did we run out of wine?! I'll tell you why...Mary's son brought 12 of his friends who crashed the wedding party! That's why!"

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

'How could you flunk stone shop?'

'You realize, of course, there's a seven-day waiting period.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

This side is the gag reel.

"You're stealing from the rich and selling it to the poor on Craigslist?"

A child at a museum starts to pull the wrappings off a mummy.

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.