Everyday Humor Pillows

'Dear, it's better to light a candle than curse the nation's crumbling electrical grid.'

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

"I love bonfires. Thanks to all the junk mail I get, I have one everyday."

Wifi in Hell

How Rings In Nature Indicate Aging.

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

How it started: How it's going

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

Modern Charm

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

Oldies.

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

'I'm bored.'

"Now where did I park my car?"

'I'm probably not gonna get a 'Like' on my facebook account after this.'

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

"Pie and coffee for me. And a pair of underpants for Mr. Right here."

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

Meat. No, I have no idea what the heck you just shoved in your mouth, I'm giving away toothpicks. Free samples.

Life bingo

'I don't know why you use the lid to this thing. It's so much more fun without it!'

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

"How about a quick espresso before school, Toby?"

Dog dropping slippers out of the window.

"The light is green..."

"Ed woke each morning at dawn to feed his pets, and each morning at dawn, Bruno and Luna frightened Ed. Yaaaaa! Wha? Who's there?!"

'This is the toothpaste. I asked you for the Preparation H.'

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

"If you want to turn it off, you just pull this chain until you accidentally turn it back on."

Be right back. I left the house wine on the counter.