Everyday Humor Pillows

'Dear, it's better to light a candle than curse the nation's crumbling electrical grid.'

"Yes, I know that chocolate comes from the cocoa Bean...but that does NOT count as a vegetable!"

"I love bonfires. Thanks to all the junk mail I get, I have one everyday."

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

How it started: How it's going

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

Modern Charm

"Brad, if you can't say 'I love you' without using finger quotes, I'm outta here."

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

"Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. George changed the toilet roll yesterday!"

Oldies.

'I'm bored.'

"Now where did I park my car?"

"Pie and coffee for me. And a pair of underpants for Mr. Right here."

Jesus turns water into Vitamin Water.

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

Life bingo

"Going to the vet for worming tablets is so embarrassing: I order mine online now..."

'I don't know why you use the lid to this thing. It's so much more fun without it!'

"I got a bad papercut from my health magazine!"

"How about a quick espresso before school, Toby?"

Dog dropping slippers out of the window.

"There it goes again. That dang phone's here someplace..."

"If you want to turn it off, you just pull this chain until you accidentally turn it back on."

"Ed woke each morning at dawn to feed his pets, and each morning at dawn, Bruno and Luna frightened Ed. Yaaaaa! Wha? Who's there?!"

'This is the toothpaste. I asked you for the Preparation H.'

"The light is green..."

Internet Epitaphs

Man can't open the plastic packaging of his plastic cutter.

Colin had one of those annoying habits that was difficult to ignore.