Occasional Comedian T-Shirts

Father reveal party

"Again? This is the last time I'm letting you wear the pants with the little zipper."

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

-Sorry about yesterday, I was ill! -You didn't look ill when I saw you at the races! -You didn't see me after the fifth leg!

Sock Puppet in Literature

'She'll never look for me here.'

"It was a cheese and wine party but the mice got there first!"

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

Gifts from the House of Low Goals.

"How are you enjoying the job?" "Oh, Ilove the job...it's the work that I hate."

The Female Brain and The Other One

'All right!! Bull's-eye!'

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"I'm feeling adventurous today, Penny – let's tack on a block."

'Harold, I told you to take out the trash!'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"Roll over. Your Zs are looking like Ns."

"Well they are fake ducks, Honey, but not quite decoyish enough."

"Simple tasks were a challenge for Chad. Awww, geez. Another upside down spoon."

Astronaut plants flag and deflates the moon.

"Ahhh! Ha-ha! Exactly what I said when I was pulled over. Dipstick!"

'Yes, Dear, they are very pretty shoes!'

"Repeat after me... We are vegan... We are vegan..."

"I've got a very responsible job. If anything goes wrong, I'm responsible."

Canoeing Incorrectly

Modern Charm

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Monet At Open Mic Night

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

"It's for his shakes."

'Could I have a loan a cup of sugar please?'

"Sir, you said that it's high time to fix the problem, so I rearranged the furniture, watered the flowers and made fresh coffee. If that wasn't enough then maybe we should find some problems that fit our solutions."