Object Dialogue Fan Gifts

“Face it, dear...you’re a chair. You’ll see a lot of ends, but very few beginnings.”

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"Global warming is a great icebreaker."

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

Two vending machines for fisherman: 'Live Bait' next to 'Dead as a Doornail Bait'

"It was the most relaxing massage I've ever had."

I've founded my own religion. Of course you have, Rudy. It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths. If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted. What are the central tenets of your religion? A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation.

"I wish you'd stop obsessively checking your feed!"

"The people will not tolerate people speaking on behalf of the people any longer!"

'But you distinctly said working breakfast.'

"With the whole world in NATO, we won't have to take any more crap from Mars."

"I'd hate to see the flea big enough to wear those!"

"Okay, now this time just start chasing the squirrel instead of asking it to dance."

"You know that tune you sang yesterday morning? It was stuck in my head the whole day long..."

"Wait … where’s Chicken Little? And who is ‘Kim Jong Un’?"

"Do you think it's an accident of history that Freemasons live in houses and we live in trees?"

Urp! Homo Eructus.

"It killed on social media yet you say it's horrible?" "Lousy is lousy."

"No, it's not my birthday, either."

'First you come down, then we talk.'

"The 'yip yip yip' is mine. Stick to your 'woof woof woof.'"

"Can we cut across the park and avoid Colony Lane? There are three squirrels in an oak tree I’d like to avoid."

"You know what I love? Rolling in dead squirrel." "Oh, my God, yes! How about peeing on the floor at Petco?!" "Wait, wait–what's the farthest distance either of you have rubbed your butt across a carpet?!"

'Don't keep going on about your cold paws - I've got my own problem!'

Only a handful of people are this small.

Petition to ban petitions from outside this market.

Give Bots the Right to Vote

""Forget that 'Age Before Beauty' stuff. I want to stay behind you to keep an eye on you!"

YOL9.

'Oh, it's not that I don't like humans, it's just my allergies.'

A Yankee in Dixie: 'What in blue blazes is a 'tunerfish' sam' wich?'

"I've got this phobia about paying bills...."

Woman and dog with mobiles

"Going anywhere nice this weekend?"