Newsstand Philosopher Gifts

Life Officially Sucks (newspaper headline)

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'Men are like fragments of soap... they get together in bars!'

'The way I see it, sobriety is a preventable, condition.'

'The World will speak hip-hop tomorrow.'

'Your husband? He's just leaving...'

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

'I trust these equations settle the argument, Professor Lang. It's your round.'

"You don't whisper anymore."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

"A sentimental journey of a thousand miles begins with the first martini."

"When I was a child, I drank like a child, but when I became a man I put away childish drinks."

"I've given up on the novel. There's more money in writing inspirational memes."

I've decided to shift down a few gears.'

Traditional Ale - Traditional Drunk

Men gossiping

Ask not for whom happy hour ends. It ends for thee.

"If it's a series of patterned clicks, I'm not here."

"You want to know why I drink?. . . I drink to forget!"

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

'No need for pump action, Al - it's the wife.'

"Oh, don't mind that, it's just my body of unseen work."

"Every night the same gets legless, swearin 'n' fightin' then slumps into a stupor. . ."

ONE HORSE TOWN

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

'They're not beer stains. This is actually a 'Rorschach test' patterned shirt.'

'A quick pint or a quiet drink?'

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

I asked my girlfriend if there was someone else...

"You're going to regret this in the morning."

Brickie's Mate

'Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... LAST!'

'All this talk about a consumer society... I don't buy it.'

If bar stools were like playground swings...