Stand-up Philosopher Gifts

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

A man on the street selling birth control.

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

Zenemies.

Optimist

"Apparently, when the tide came in, a lot of castles went bust."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"He's gonna be in and out for a while, so we should write something funny on his forehead."

Annual Swim Hundreds of Miles, Spawn and Die Marathon.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

'Let the record show that I suggested primordial souffl'ee.'

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

Toys from the Pre School of Hard Knocks - Stumbling Blocks.

'There goes another one. Galileo, don't you have any idea what makes them do that?'

'How did he make the world in six days?'

"Just how many ways are there to skin a cat?"

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

"What if it's smarter than us?"

The Meaning of Life

'Since you're a teacher, we picked this one from the Tree of Knowledge.'

Human meat.

Seneca

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

"They must be planning to do a real number on us. It looks like they've brought along an accountant."

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"I guess when you run out of Tooth Fairy teeth, you gotta go get a job!"