Prime Time Philosopher Gifts

'Even though I'm in my fifties I feel I'm in the prime of life.'

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

Non Thought For The Day.

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

"I won't have anything to worry about when I grow up."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Honey, wake up. I had that dream again where I wake up and you get angry at me for waking you up."

Everything opens up as a new day begins.

"Someday, son, a giant conglomerate will find a way to harness the moonlight and make us pay for it."

Advanced Zen for Couch Potatoes: Earl becomes One with his Lazy-Boy.

School of hard knocks: Mail box 'Knock-knock jokes'

That's a street lamp, Steve.

Thoughts of Stephen Harper...

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"What's it all about?"

"Mind if I tweak it?"

"So this sense of failure stems from the fact that you're not catching any worms despite getting up early?"

"See, Timmy? No boogeymen under your bed — they're all out there."

Let me warn you, toots. Celebrity is like radioactivity: you start with a big bang, then comes years with a half-life of slow decay.

"Try staying in the same dimension as everyone else."

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

"Ask not for whom the refrigerator hums..."

Exercise and diet at the same time - open and close your refrigerator door 100 times.

The hardest instrument to play second fiddle.

"HELP! - I'm trapped in a dumbed-down medium..!!"

The Graveyard of Deleted Tweets

A man dreams of a snake

"The hive mind has reached a consensus about 'Wolverine'."

'Bloody warmongers!'

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'

"I dreamed my parents were still alive."

'yes, up every day at dawn, but there was a shameful time as a teenager when I used to sleep in until noon sometimes...'

'Monday morning is the new Friday night.'

Long tattoo on arm of man drinking coffee reads, "Born to go binge-drinking, get pierced and tattooed, then wake up the next day really annoyed at myself for being such an idiot!"