Stand-up Skeptic Gifts

Ahmadinejad in New York.

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

"My latest sighting turned out to be just another weather balloon."

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

"God works in mysterious ways."

Open House of Horrors

'To hear our privacy policy, please tell us you credit card and social security numbers...'

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

'You will meet a sexy, honest fortune teller who will take all your money!'

'And in conclusion...'

'Not bad idea! But no quit day job.'

"OK, so you've told us what God thinks... but now I'd like to know what YOU think!"

Your Winning Lottery Numbers Told: 'If they are really what you say - how come you can only afford a tent?'

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

"This isn't a reality show. . . it's the news."

Priest to congregation, "I'm no different to you just because I wear a dog collar."

"...then - and here's the funny part - I add the potassium sulfate..."

Boss: 'Speak up Smythe, I know you've got an opinion, I told you what it was in my email this morning!'

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

The first meeting.

"We also stock non-alcoholic wine" "Why?"

Expert examining painting: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid it's a fake."

"I tried to rob a bank and failed! I tried to steal an old ladies bag and failed! So why not use as my defense, the old saying, 'You can't blame a person for trying'?"

Warning! The next programme contains no celebrities.

"How can you suggest that this university's research facilities have been co-opted by the military?"

'I blame the internet.'

'-and do you always tell street interviewers to xxyzz!! off, sir?'

'The vicar's sermon is running late again!'

'It just doesn't seem right -- a computer-generated reality show.'

"When Daddy goes by, make sure he can see how bored we are."