New Parents Navigating Childproofing Gifts

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

A young Don King

Interior design trends for parents....

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

'Your wife has given birth to the blues.'

What can I play?

"We sing her to sleep with songs about recycling."

'They made it like that so the kids wouldn't bother you.'

'No creamed peas for me today!'

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"Support the head."

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

'Go forth and multiply!'

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

Beware of teething baby.

'I never know how much to leave for lunch.'

"Broken childcare promises make me mad."

"I'm so tired: Joey was tossing and turning in his sleep the whole night and kept waking me up..."

'You're grounded... not you, the drone.'

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

"At first it was difficult having a new baby. But now I'm doing fine!"

"You can over-encourage kids, you know."

They hadn't realised how much having a baby would affect their sex lives.

'Wait, breathe or don't breathe? Oh jeez, why did I have to sleep through Lamaze class?'

Parents sleeping with a new baby.

"Aw, his first mobile..."

'Sorry folks. All these jokes can't be winners.'

'Oh hi honey, did you get the baby mobile for over the crib?'

"Congratulations! You've downloaded a baby girl, have you given any thoughts to a username?"