New Parents Navigating Childproofing T-Shirts

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

A young Don King

Interior design trends for parents....

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

'Well, he definitely has his father's... Er... Eyes.'

'Your wife has given birth to the blues.'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

What can I play?

"We sing her to sleep with songs about recycling."

'No creamed peas for me today!'

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!

"Support the head."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

Beware of teething baby.

'Go forth and multiply!'

'I never know how much to leave for lunch.'

'You're grounded... not you, the drone.'

"Broken childcare promises make me mad."

"I'm so tired: Joey was tossing and turning in his sleep the whole night and kept waking me up..."

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"You can over-encourage kids, you know."

They hadn't realised how much having a baby would affect their sex lives.

"At first it was difficult having a new baby. But now I'm doing fine!"

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

'Wait, breathe or don't breathe? Oh jeez, why did I have to sleep through Lamaze class?'

Parents sleeping with a new baby.

"Aw, his first mobile..."

'Oh hi honey, did you get the baby mobile for over the crib?'

"Congratulations! You've downloaded a baby girl, have you given any thoughts to a username?"

'Sorry folks. All these jokes can't be winners.'