Childproofing Strategist T-Shirts

'They made it like that so the kids wouldn't bother you.'

A young Don King

Interior design trends for parents....

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

I rule by fear.

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

STRIP *Community Care * Squeezing it all in before lunch

Beware of teething baby.

"When can I redeploy?"

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

Snowman has cage protecting his nose.

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

"My dad put in a new security system."

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"I've got him on vibrate."

"Our max is six M&Ms for poop on the potty but try to hold her to three."

"But I am an engaged parent. Just the other day, I helped one of the kids with his or her homework."

"Don't worry I removed the instructions."

"Don't think of it as being grounded. Think of it as suffering the consequences of your monumental stupidity."

"One moment, sweetie, I'm just asking Google how I should react."

"I understand that by the time we've hit our teens we'll have them pretty much where we want them."

Introducing Guiltpressure.

Sports Parenting.

"Baldo! Pick him up!"

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'