New Childproofing Phase Gifts

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

A young Don King

Interior design trends for parents....

"He's the chief watchdog, who watches over all the other watchdogs—but this must be his night off."

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

'They made it like that so the kids wouldn't bother you.'

Regardless children just want to fit in.

STRIP *Community Care * Squeezing it all in before lunch

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

Beware of teething baby.

Violence against children.

Sharon Shoesmith unlawfully sacked.

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

"...if you set aside 2% of your salary for your pension you can retire at 97."

'It's amazing what they let that kid get away with.'

Child Abuse Report

Look, I just prescribe the stuff. I can't tell you how to open the bottles.

"It says, 'To deter Porch Pirates, we've thrown your package on your roof'."

Once upon a time, lead poisoning meant someone who got shot down. Today it means someone who touched a toy made in China.

Child Protection Team: 'Someone applied for the job...'

"I'm a librarian."

'So it's a deal - I'll reinitialize your hard drive and you remove this child-proof cap.'

Pharmacist wanted. Must be able to open child-proof bottle caps & read doctor's prescriptions.

'Oh! Sorry, no - I've not been screened to deliver to households with children!'

Protecting Innocent Babies from Falling Bombs

Bullies confronted by legal authority reprisals.

Irish PM lambasts Irish catholic church for continual sex abuse cover ups.

Urgent parcel delivery destroyed by falling icicle.

"The goal is to make sure all edges are softer than his head."

"My plan is to figure out child-proof caps, then move right into hacking."

"I don't want my kid watching sick and hateful crap day by day!"

'Uncle Tom, Mum said you could get us on the at risk register - that sounds like a fun thing to do today.'