Moral Juggler Gifts

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'

'Well, technically speaking, we do have a conscience...'

That party went well.

Stop and Birch

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"My wife's lawyer doesn't understand me."

Joe's Bar: Happy Hour 5-9, Utter Despair 10-12.

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

"Oops! My mistake, that was your projected trial load for this year, not this month."

"I wish I had done more pro bono work. I need the tax write offs."

"Shister and Shyster Attorneys at law"

"As your attorney, Roger, I feel it's my duty to charge you an enormous amount of money."

Angel and devil versions of a man prepare for a shoot out.

"I never promised I would get you off. I alleged it."

'God, I hate Sunday mornings.'

'I may not know much about art but I know what I like to slag off.'

"No, you can't be a venture socialist, because they don't exist!"

"I'm doing my part to conserve electricity."

"Oh I never lose any sleep over my criminal cases. I figure that even if I lose, I'm not the one going to Jail!"

'The Constitution guarantees you a speedy trial -- so hold on tight!'

'I like my plea bargain better. I plead guilty and you dismiss the charges.'

Swiss army justice.

"These new regulations will fundamentally change the way we get around them."

Let's merge and cut out the middle man.

Neurotic stupidity: 'If you start granting amnesty to people for following their conscience, pretty soon everyone will be following their conscience.'

Lawyer, Attorney, Counselor, Barrister, Solicitor

Parole officer: Hanging in and hanging out.

"Too many tabs open."

The Russian Circus

"I started my vegetarianism for health reasons, then it became a moral choice, and now it's just to annoy people."

"I unfollow people when they ask me to think for myself. I mean, who has the time?"

'I know your client wants a jury trial, but we can't come up with a jury. People are too busy.'

Disraeli 'The Political Leotard'

'So many loopholes, so little time.'