Monster Mocker Gifts

'The cross doesn't affect him. Let's try with a Star of David.'

The Adventures of God

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'If I don't chew this, my S.A.T. scores will skyrocket.'

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

The Nihilist Deli.

"Excuse me, Mr Newton, but some of the employees think that your promotion has gone to your head."

'Every man has his price, Peterson. I've decided yours is £2.75.'

"The beatings will continue until the morale improves!"

'Are you sure it's non-drowsy? I cannot afford to oversleep...'

Mismanagement Consultant.

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

Mountain escalator.

'Of course we're making a lot of mistakes - this is a dummy corporation.'

Earplugs £2 a Pair

"I like your paperweight, Watkins..."

'Please, sir -- I appeal to your common humanity!'

"Just you wait until this firing freeze is over!"

Arrogant OAP.

"My wife says I bore people to death."

Memo to all departments: NO!

'Motivational poster,'

"If marriage is so great how come you never hear about simulated marriage?"

"So help me, Henderson, if you sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat' one more time..."

"Whatever you do in there all day is fine with me, so long as it's not writing a memoir."

'Leave me the figures on my voicemail... I never check it.'

'Hmm...needs refining.'

'The reality is, if you should go on one of those shows, I doubt that TV viewers would accept you any better than I do!'

'When you've seen one criminally violent, sex-filed horror play, you've seen the lot, I always say.'

'Hello, Mr Busino. I understand you're suffering from some drug side effects.'

'You can't fire me. I fired you.'

Jesus' bones.