Morning Mocker Gifts

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

"I suppose you want the rest of the day off!"

'I've collected my memos into one reasonably priced gift book.'

'If I don't chew this, my S.A.T. scores will skyrocket.'

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

"Excuse me, Mr Newton, but some of the employees think that your promotion has gone to your head."

"The beatings will continue until the morale improves!"

'Every man has his price, Peterson. I've decided yours is £2.75.'

'Are you sure it's non-drowsy? I cannot afford to oversleep...'

Mismanagement Consultant.

'Please excuse my nurse -- this is her first day on the job.'

"Well, I guess that old saying really is true: the squeaky wheel gets the grease!"

Mountain escalator.

'How much is that yuppy in the window?'

"I like your paperweight, Watkins..."

'Please, sir -- I appeal to your common humanity!'

'Of course we're making a lot of mistakes - this is a dummy corporation.'

Earplugs £2 a Pair

"Just you wait until this firing freeze is over!"

Memo to all departments: NO!

"My wife says I bore people to death."

"I wouldn't usually say, 'she's always copying me' is grounds for divorce."

'For better or worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until you wish you were dead?'

'Motivational poster,'

"So help me, Henderson, if you sing 'Row Row Row Your Boat' one more time..."

'The cross doesn't affect him. Let's try with a Star of David.'

"If marriage is so great how come you never hear about simulated marriage?"

"Whatever you do in there all day is fine with me, so long as it's not writing a memoir."

"My Mother was right. She told me when I was eighteen, that if I married him it wouldnt last!"

'The reality is, if you should go on one of those shows, I doubt that TV viewers would accept you any better than I do!'

'Hmm...needs refining.'

'Leave me the figures on my voicemail... I never check it.'

'When you've seen one criminally violent, sex-filed horror play, you've seen the lot, I always say.'

'Hello, Mr Busino. I understand you're suffering from some drug side effects.'