Modern Santa Strategist Pillows

Santa's Workshop: Moved to China

"As you can see, I've alphabetized the items, presents owing if you will, so if you can digitally initial here, here, here, here and here and sign there. Thank you. See you December 24."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'You know who's been naughty and who's been nice? -- you're not using DNA evidence, are you?'

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

"Just as I feared. Tariffs."

"Friday, YOU were my Secret Santa?"

'I mind my mother, and I do my lessons, and I'm here for the quid pro quo.'

"Pull over, Rudolph! We'll have to charge the electric sleigh again..."

'No, it doesn't have to snow for Santa to get here. He probably drives a big four-wheel-drive SUV ... '

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

Ever vigilant, the restive Claus uses it to get an early start on the naughty and nice list.

'Let's see what Santa has in his sack for a little boy or girl...'

"Okay, I got your stuff ordered. I work remotely now."

"And this is where the magic happens."

"Santa's started franchising out delivery.'

Santa was perplexed at receiving a carbon-neutral status.

'...Santa delivers to Yorkshire first...everybody else has to wait because they're not as good.'

'How come I never see you in church?'

Holiday Greetings

"I want to believe in Santa Claus, but it's tough in this post-fact, fake news era."

"You just finish the drop-off, I'll handle the press."

"There goes another childhood illusion. When I was a kid, he had eight reindeer."

'It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.'

'Not that sort of 'mobile' you great fat t***."

"You gotta put him on the defensive. Ask him first if he's been naughty or nice."

'Looks like Santa was replaced by a Santa App.'

'I already e-mailed you and here's your hard copy.'

It makes life a little easier!

Santa Upgrades.

'Looking for this? Now let's talk about that train set you didn't bring.'