Modern Lifestyle Commentator Gifts

'No, Johnny, it's 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away' - not 'an app a day.''

Goodnight Social Media.

A meal of pills.

"It must be for older kids."

"Square any change?"

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"It keeps it out of sight when we're not watching it."

"You are still here."

'Fetching newspapers is over. Now I aggregate blogs for him.'

'Mom, can you tell me about the days before Pilates and Latte's?'

'I've been watching TV all my life. I was born cable ready.'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Man watches a cat enter a pet door to a "V.I.P. Lounge" in an airport

"Photo safaris are not what they used to be: They seem more interested in taking selfies than photos of us these days..."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Is there someone have called Frobisher?"

"The doctor wants you to point to where it hurts."

"I detect an accent – money?"

"No way! You're a telemarketer?! This is so great – hold on, I want to get comfortable ... how did you get my number?"

"... with a side of brown rice, right. And can the delivery guy stop at the pharmacy and pick up my prescription?"

Our Troubled Chowders

"They put nipples on the mannequins so you'll look at the stupid sweaters. Duh!"

'I was texting when my pop spilled on my laptop, which made me drop my iPod. So you see, officer, it wasn't my fault. Blame technology.'

"The coffee is free, but now we rent the tables."

"I'm pretty sure there's a Starbucks on the other side of that big rock."

'We're looking for a wifi hotspot.'

Renaissance Zone

"It just doesn't crackle like the one on Netflix."

"Meaning of life!!" "Meaning of 'Game of Thrones' series finale"

"Scan my own items, bag my own food? If I wanted to work here, I'd fill out an application!"

"It was a gift from god."

"The public's taste in entertainment has certainly changed."

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.