Ironic Lifestyle Commentator Gifts

American 'Idle'.

Wifi in Hell

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

Proud of herself for "never owning a tv" Emily watches eight episodes of a mediocre tv show on her laptop while in bed.

"You are still here."

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Goodnight Social Media.

"I detect an accent – money?"

"... with a side of brown rice, right. And can the delivery guy stop at the pharmacy and pick up my prescription?"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"I see he finally got rid of that idiotic comb-over."

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

Renaissance Zone

"I've been living vicariously through a really boring person."

"It was a gift from god."

"Let's face it, Tom. A society that's paying its Frank Sinatras and Johnny Carsons more than its yous and mes is out of whack."

T-Shirts. Just do it. Just watch it.

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

'Let's face it, if there was any talent about, we wouldn't be watching this rubbish!'

Snatching Failure from the Jaws of Success

"I thought we agreed no midnight snacks?"

"In my day we had trimphones."

'I had to report it. Based on your lifestyle, your heart attack was premeditated.'

'Sure I eat three desserts but each trip I put only one dessert on my plate. That way I walk off the calories.'

Obesity: Mechanical & Biological.

"No, he hasn't lost weight. It's the size he expects to be in next year."

"Great spot, Al. I didn't know there was anyplace left that permitted cigar smoking naked."

Lager drinker and a vegetarian eating together.