Lifestyle Satirist Gifts

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

Light Distilled Water

'Of course I'm having my five a day - Sex, drugs, rock and roll and the match'

Joan falls off her fat free diet!

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

Hoodie Hang-out

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

"Two vegans, please."

The Official Covid-19 Diet

"This is all we have available. It has an accordian front door, a shelf, a phone, and a spectacular view."

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

All it takes is a little willpower and a good metabolism...

'Have you any W fronts?'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Thank god we're out of the city."

Snowman Driver

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

'It's an idea whose time has come, Mr. Mayor -- 'drive-through traffic court'!'

The Inventor of the Man Bun!

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

This is where Brent council sends you

"What a success! We've sold all our copies. You're a great team! Let's go for beer, pizza and crisps - my treat!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Gap... Tony Soprano fit"

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

Renaissance Zone

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

'I'm just updating my Facebook profile.'