Luxury Lifestyle Humorist Gifts

'The gentleman has arrived to give the parrot his elocution lesson, m'Lady...'

'I've lost the will to die.'

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

Designer Kangaroo Pocket

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

Champagne at the hunt

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

Late Bloomers

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

Haute Cuisine Meets Low Couture

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

"I knew Heaven would be by Chanel."

The mushroom pickers

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'Thank God I don't live in a Jimmy Choo!'

"It was a gift from god."

Bulltoon: Insatiabull.

'You will make big bucks, then you'll give it all away to reduce your taxes.'

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

The Puffin Restaurant: Today's special - regurgitated sand eels

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

Holy Pizza

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

"I thought we agreed no midnight snacks?"

"I no longer have the intestinal fortitude for street food."