Luxury Lifestyle Humorists Gifts

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

Champagne at the hunt

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

Bed and Breakfast

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

Haute Cuisine Meets Low Couture

The mushroom pickers

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'Thank God I don't live in a Jimmy Choo!'

"It was a gift from god."

Bulltoon: Insatiabull.

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

'You will make big bucks, then you'll give it all away to reduce your taxes.'

The Puffin Restaurant: Today's special - regurgitated sand eels

Holy Pizza

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

"I no longer have the intestinal fortitude for street food."

'I don't know where he's getting it from, but it happens every time I ask him to fetch my slippers.'

Man eating a bad oyster

"That was the last of the O-negative."

"Great spot, Al. I didn't know there was anyplace left that permitted cigar smoking naked."

Hmm, no, I think I prefer something off the rack.

'Burberry cushioning, very nice.'