Luxury Lifestyle Humorist Pillows

'The gentleman has arrived to give the parrot his elocution lesson, m'Lady...'

'I've lost the will to die.'

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

"Right now Arnold Schwarzenegger is doing sit-ups."

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

Champagne at the hunt

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

Late Bloomers

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"The house is great, but compared to reality show realtors, you're a big disappointment."

"I knew Heaven would be by Chanel."

The mushroom pickers

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'Thank God I don't live in a Jimmy Choo!'

"It was a gift from god."

The Puffin Restaurant: Today's special - regurgitated sand eels

'You will make big bucks, then you'll give it all away to reduce your taxes.'

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

Bulltoon: Insatiabull.

Now you can buy shares online. "Buy Cher's What?"

Holy Pizza

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

"I thought we agreed no midnight snacks?"

"I no longer have the intestinal fortitude for street food."

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

'I don't know where he's getting it from, but it happens every time I ask him to fetch my slippers.'