Lifestyle Humorists Pillows

"...can you give us 5 motivational tips, the things that really made you unsuccessful?"

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

'I can validate both your feelings and your parking.'

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Goodnight Social Media.

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

Musclesnakes just swallow the dumbbells.

Late Bloomers

"And that was my day at the office. Thanks, Alice, you've been a great audience!"

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

Renaissance Zone

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

'My body is a temple. A temple full of fat people.'

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."

Rocket charmer.

T-Shirts. Just do it. Just watch it.

'I'm very active. I'm always jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth, skipping lunch, and jogging my memory. With all that jumping, stretching, skipping and jogging, I still can't lose weight.'

'I'm bored.'

"Ahem, if you're planning to rob the place could you please get a move on."

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

"You don't need a prescription, Mr. Beesley - you need an iron...."

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

"I thought we agreed no midnight snacks?"

Castle with parking lot.

'Sure I eat three desserts but each trip I put only one dessert on my plate. That way I walk off the calories.'

'You get the diet book which you won't read, the exercise bar which you won't use and the workout CD which you won't watch, for only $29.99.'