Lifestyle Satirists Pillows

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

"I'm packing in the jogging. It's affecting my health."

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

Snowman Driver

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

"What a success! We've sold all our copies. You're a great team! Let's go for beer, pizza and crisps - my treat!"

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

Fat angel eating halo like doughnut

"Jeremy sits in his hi-tech car all day and telecommutes from our driveway."

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen episodes."

"We will now observe a moment of silently checking our BlackBerrys."

'This IS our retirement plan.'

"No need to set out traps, I'm leaving. You don't have Wi-Fi in this dump."

Try to cut down on your salt intake.

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

Screen Addiction

Jack and Jill Find Vending Machine

Explorers discover the last contrarian without a podcast.

"Then I said, let's stay with Santa's sleigh, but nooo ... you wanted to see a Rangers game!"

"The Bluebird of Happiness is on his way. We're security."

"In my day we had trimphones."

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

"I knew you'd like this place."

Obvious Comb-Over: Please Give.