Modern Life Satirists Pillows

"Says here he leaves behind a wife, two children, and forty-seven Twitter followers."

"There's no privacy anymore."

Text in a bottle

"Here's something called "The Fifty Greatest Countdown Shows Ever!""

"Don't forget to pay the cashier on your way down."

'Increasing resistance.'

"In my day we had trimphones."

Occu-Pie Mars

"We think it has something to do with your genome."

Peter

"Excuse me, Doc, my attention wandered. What type of deficit disorder did you say I had?"

"My Weight Watchers meeting's tonight. I'd better get inside."

"Wanna play 'Waitin’ on the Cable Guy'?"

"Amazing, eh? Good-looking, dependable, trustworthy, inflatable."

Shawn considered himself a vegetarian by proxy.

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

Snowman Driver

"You didn't seriously think that one does one's own huffing and puffing these days, did you?"

War of Words

"You can huff and puff all you want. The house is foreclosed and belongs to the bank."

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

'Blair picks safe poet caureate' "He was just giong through the motions"

"I hacked into Santa's computer and discovered we're not on his naughty list. I feel we're letting our generation down."

'So, I take it that diversity isn't a priority?'

How much for the lamp post?

Planet of the Ants

"He doesn't have to worry about his preschool placement - he interviews well."

'Wow! Who knows what eroticism lurks in the heart of a sister.'

"I hear Presbyterian is the new Methodist."

"This is my 'country house.' I also have a duplex in the city."

"O.K., but let's say you have up to six hundred intruders per minute."

Other Than That Everything's Perfect

'What's the antidote for espresso?'

"It looks suspicious to me. Next thing we know, he'll claim the U.S. is part of Russia."

"I can't right now. My spurs are stuck together."