Ironic Lifestyle Observer Gifts

Proud of herself for "never owning a tv" Emily watches eight episodes of a mediocre tv show on her laptop while in bed.

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"It's such a beautiful day. Why don't we go out and get someone to eat?"

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'Look, I said I'd bring you the report on micromanaging. Just give me a chance.'

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

"Photo safaris are not what they used to be: They seem more interested in taking selfies than photos of us these days..."

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

AI Summit

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

'I need to buy some gas, but I forgot my wallet. Do you have $18,000 on you?'

Kangaroo with a smoking baby.

'I wouldn't worry about going before your time. You're too old to die young.'

'He was a shooting star, passing through the firmament. Lighting up our dull lives with his all too brief presence.' 'I think we're at the wrong funeral.'

"Don't touch that Jake! It's bad for you!"

"We've decided to express our concern for the environment by redecorating."

'I'm new up here...where are the men?'

"You've done some outstanding work in Public Relations, Benderman. Unfortunately, you work in Accounting.!

'The exercise hasn't been a total failure. My personal trainer lost 10 pounds.'

'Man, you are the first parole office to truly understand me.'

'I don't know why other people pray in school, but I pray in school because I'm not supposed to.'

"With all due respect, I prefer the term 'con artisan'."

"A lifetime of illicit substance abuse, chain-smoking, excessive alcohol consumption and eating nothing but crap . . . and you have the nerve to tell me I'm dying of 'natural causes!'"

'Look at the bum on that Wayne, is she that girl that worked at the Burger Shack?'

'I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid!'

Who wouldn't keep a footman?

Church Parking

'This is a magnificent restaurant. Which fork should I use to comb my hair?'

Elderly Dating

'How come your notebook has a sudoku puzzle on it?'

"And then one day, I had this revelation: Why not go public with my non-profit business and start making some big bucks?"

End of the Pier Show

'I had to report it. Based on your lifestyle, your heart attack was premeditated.'