Irony Observer Gifts

'Studies show people are more likely to disagree with something than agree with it.'( 'That's not true.')

'Quit beating around the bush and just tell me how bad it is, doc'

"Don't touch that Jake! It's bad for you!"

"Nature has a twisted sense of humor."

I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man whose only problem was that his over-the-calf gold toe socks kept falling down, and I cried even harder. ! !

"You're going to put me on hold? OK, I'm not going anywhere."

"With all due respect, I prefer the term 'con artisan'."

'I wouldn't worry about going before your time. You're too old to die young.'

'I'm looking forward to a new, more comfortable park bench - Where do YOU see yourself in five years?'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'