Irony Investigator Gifts

The Friendly Loan Company

Have A Nice Day (piss off)

'Relief fund relief fund.'

Totalitarian Humour

"Perkins, the company isn't giving you a demotion. We like to call it a negative-trajectory promotion."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

Emergency Phone.

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

'My next selection is a protest song against piano lessons.'

'This year, executive bonuses are tied to performance. You owe us $50,000.'