Irony Detective Gifts

'I've dealt with it - he's sitting on the naughty step thinking about his behaviour.'

"Well, there's something you don't see every day."

Safety Barriers

"And remember, kids, it's okay to discriminate against someone whose sexual orientation or gender identity you don't approve of."

Totalitarian Humour

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Some idiot spread the rumour that the boss had called in sick! Now look what's happened to the tobacco and coffee stocks!"

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'I wouldn't worry about going before your time. You're too old to die young.'

'You're an inspector now?'

"Don't touch that Jake! It's bad for you!"

"Do you recognise the giraffe who hit you?"

"Perkins, the company isn't giving you a demotion. We like to call it a negative-trajectory promotion."

'Did you see who pushed you?'

"How much sugar do you take, twenty percent, or forty percent?"

'He died of too much money.'

"So, you've got butterflies in your stomach, a bug in your ear and a bee in your bonnet. Any other complaints?"

'Just move along...Nothing core to see here.'

"Legal supplies? That would be aisle nine, article six, subsection G."

'What's this rumor I hear, that they're putting saltpeter in Meals-On-Wheels!'

"Ha! I found you . . . and with my wife!"

I overheard management saying they were kicking you but I didn't hear if it was upstairs or out.

"With all due respect, I prefer the term 'con artisan'."

Golf Crime Scene.

The Friendly Loan Company

'Pop' goes on strike, so the company hires a scab!'

"Nature has a twisted sense of humor."

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

'Relief fund relief fund.'

'Is it true what they say'

'I'd like to spend November and December in a nice vegetarian country!'

'Now they're saying our financing is being pulled. I'd love to know how these crazy rumors get started.'

Coin Return 25¢

'I know you'll make a wonderful job of being unemployed!'