Joke Detective Gifts

'If you go on a diet and lose five pounds, only to gain ten the following month, how many infuriating godforsaken pounds do you weigh?'

"Some idiot spread the rumour that the boss had called in sick! Now look what's happened to the tobacco and coffee stocks!"

Safety Barriers

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

"Again? I read you your Miranda rights last night."

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'You're an inspector now?'

'A WOMAN? -- Well, I'll be damned!'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

'He died of too much money.'

'Did you see who pushed you?'

"So, you've got butterflies in your stomach, a bug in your ear and a bee in your bonnet. Any other complaints?"

Shark in the swimming pool.

The Banana Crime

History's First Prop Gag

"Do you recognise the giraffe who hit you?"

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

'Well if sixty is the new fifty and forty is the new thirty then yes,twenty must be the new ten...'

'Just move along...Nothing core to see here.'

'Donut shop is down the hall to your right - and I'm not answering any more questions without my lawyer present.'

'I've dealt with it - he's sitting on the naughty step thinking about his behaviour.'

"Ha! I found you . . . and with my wife!"

'What's this rumor I hear, that they're putting saltpeter in Meals-On-Wheels!'

'What's with all the Pumpkin Pies?'

I overheard management saying they were kicking you but I didn't hear if it was upstairs or out.

Golf Crime Scene.

'Is it true what they say'

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

"Before you identify the suspect, you need to confirm your identity."

'Now they're saying our financing is being pulled. I'd love to know how these crazy rumors get started.'

'Fred,you've got to do something about those hiccups.'

'Yes, it was number 4, I'm positive,'

Asbo Land