Irony Detective Pillows

'I've dealt with it - he's sitting on the naughty step thinking about his behaviour.'

"Well, there's something you don't see every day."

Civility of else! That's a sign of the times.

Safety Barriers

"And remember, kids, it's okay to discriminate against someone whose sexual orientation or gender identity you don't approve of."

Totalitarian Humour

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

"Some idiot spread the rumour that the boss had called in sick! Now look what's happened to the tobacco and coffee stocks!"

'I heard it through the grapevine.'

"Well, obviously the victim had a French enemy."

'I wouldn't worry about going before your time. You're too old to die young.'

'You're an inspector now?'

"Don't touch that Jake! It's bad for you!"

"How much sugar do you take, twenty percent, or forty percent?"

"Do you recognise the giraffe who hit you?"

"So, you've got butterflies in your stomach, a bug in your ear and a bee in your bonnet. Any other complaints?"

'He died of too much money.'

'Did you see who pushed you?'

"Perkins, the company isn't giving you a demotion. We like to call it a negative-trajectory promotion."

'Just move along...Nothing core to see here.'

'What's with all the Pumpkin Pies?'

"Legal supplies? That would be aisle nine, article six, subsection G."

I overheard management saying they were kicking you but I didn't hear if it was upstairs or out.

Golf Crime Scene.

'What's this rumor I hear, that they're putting saltpeter in Meals-On-Wheels!'

"Ha! I found you . . . and with my wife!"

"With all due respect, I prefer the term 'con artisan'."

The Friendly Loan Company

'Relief fund relief fund.'

"Good evening madam. Would you like to donate your soul to a newly registered charity?"

'Is it true what they say'

"Nature has a twisted sense of humor."

'Pop' goes on strike, so the company hires a scab!'

'Now they're saying our financing is being pulled. I'd love to know how these crazy rumors get started.'

'I'd like to spend November and December in a nice vegetarian country!'