Irony Investigators Pillows

Catch of the Day: Flu, Strep Throat, Cold, Hepatitis

'I'd like to spend November and December in a nice vegetarian country!'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'Well, you got the dog to protect you against criminals. Perhaps now you'll have to hire a criminal to protect you from the dog.'

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

Emergency Phone.

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"