Irony Specialist Pillows

'...I used to lobby for the pharmaceutical industry.'

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

Copycats

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"How do you do it, hon? Marriage, kids, civic responsibilities, managing a multi-million dollar business and still finding time to do an 18-month stretch for securities fraud?"

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'I'm so bored - nothing ever happens around here!'

Skeptic Tank.

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

Devil's food cake/Angel's food cake. Delivery mix-up.

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

"Needs to get a life"