Irony Expert Pillows

"They don't get it when I wag my tail ironically."

'My dear, we need to sell the car immediately!'

"Congratulations, gentlemen - we have achieved failure."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

Copycats

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

Wifi in Hell

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

Mac's Bait and Sushi Shop

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

Grim Reaper Buying CDs...

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Emergency Phone.

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.