Military Humorist Gifts

'Before we begin, I'll read out the minutes from our last meeting...'

'Hi Mom, Boot camp is fine, but I think our drill sergeant is hard of hearing. Every time we say something, he yells 'I can't hear you.''

Small arms training

"No, you dismantle your nuclear arsenal first."

'Can you keep a top secret?'

"Permission to breach new sartorial frontiers, Sir!"

New tank model with safety features: 'Sorry, sir, firing the cannon set off the airbag.'

'Do you hear music'

"OK, I want you to get down and stay down."

It ain't half Hoffman.

'THINGMY ON THE PORT BOW!! You know, what's it called? Long and pointy... Very fast... TORPEDO ON THE PORT BOW!!'

Royal Bear Force - "Honey at 10 o'clock."

'Bad news, sir...the enemy is wearing the hottest fashions in uniforms which will render ours, like, totally last year!'

"Because of the budget cuts the territorials are having to take on more responsibility, Graham has got the nuclear attack codes."

"When I said deploy Ground force..."

"Fire at will!" (Soldiers have names on helmets, Will looks worried).

"How many of these 'email blasts' are we talking about, General."

'At last! Some decent kit.'

'You really want to quit your job on the submarine? Why, Seaman Jones? Why??'

"OK you smart arses...who wrote that on smart bomb number four?"

'Probably a regiment macho thing'

'Back in Texas we call this Line Dancing.'

The origin of 'Rorke's drift' has long been a subject of intense speculation.

"It's from Private Ryan...Wish you were here."

"Introspe-e-ec-shun!"

Lad of Observation

"That one is just for fun."

Major Screw-Up

'Sergeant Major here is going to help us overcome our fear issues...he's ex Army!'

'Corporal Donnison,sir. Twenty first Easy Chair Division.'

'My doc says I carry a lot of hostility with me.'

"What do you think the delivery time is on a drone pizza?"

A missile with a handlebar moustache and glasses

A soldier fills a mortar with champagne

Santa in Fatigues