Military Humorist Gifts

'Before we begin, I'll read out the minutes from our last meeting...'

'Hi Mom, Boot camp is fine, but I think our drill sergeant is hard of hearing. Every time we say something, he yells 'I can't hear you.''

"No, you dismantle your nuclear arsenal first."

"Permission to breach new sartorial frontiers, Sir!"

'Can you keep a top secret?'

"Introspe-e-ec-shun!"

"How many of these 'email blasts' are we talking about, General."

"OK, I want you to get down and stay down."

'Do you hear music'

It ain't half Hoffman.

The origin of 'Rorke's drift' has long been a subject of intense speculation.

'Back in Texas we call this Line Dancing.'

"When I said deploy Ground force..."

'You really want to quit your job on the submarine? Why, Seaman Jones? Why??'

'THINGMY ON THE PORT BOW!! You know, what's it called? Long and pointy... Very fast... TORPEDO ON THE PORT BOW!!'

Royal Bear Force - "Honey at 10 o'clock."

New tank model with safety features: 'Sorry, sir, firing the cannon set off the airbag.'

"It's from Private Ryan...Wish you were here."

'Probably a regiment macho thing'

"Fire at will!" (Soldiers have names on helmets, Will looks worried).

"OK you smart arses...who wrote that on smart bomb number four?"

'At last! Some decent kit.'

"Because of the budget cuts the territorials are having to take on more responsibility, Graham has got the nuclear attack codes."

Sorcery weapon

"Folsom's seasick, sir."

"If I don't make it out of here alive, please send my sweetheart this picture of my crotch."

"It's a smaller, less destructive nuclear weapon, but it's also a hat."

"As you were."

"Sir, I've been debriefed, deprogrammed and debugged. May I go home now?"

"Congratulations, General. The anti-missile system wasn't fooled by the decoy balloon."

"Request permission for Private Butler and myself to go AWOL, Sir?"

A soldier fills a mortar with champagne

A missile with a handlebar moustache and glasses

"What do you think the delivery time is on a drone pizza?"

Calling Over The Roll of Fame.