Middle-age Comedians Gifts

The Fountain of Menopause

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

'I washed the gray right out of my hair, but now I can't get the gray out of my tub.'

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"We can speak freely now. I've encrypted the line."

'Push'n 50, but ya still got it!!'

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"Date of birth?" "1989." "In 1989 I couldn't make ice... still can't." "Good lord, she could be my daughter! I'm so #!@* old." "That's the year my wife left me. Now I have a cold and I'm depressed!"

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

"Norman still has seventies flashbacks sometimes."

A smart alec boy

'of course it's not natural: He dyes his mane to cover up his grey hair...'

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'Dang.'

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

'All this job requires is some mud-wallowing and snarling... I'd say you're overqualified.'

Whale Pattern Balding

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

"My wife's career is in ruins... She's an archaeologist!"

'It's 'any little boy CAN grow up to be President ' -- It's not a REQUIREMENT.'

Same Sexless Marriage