Midlife Comedians Gifts

"Everything was going great until the day I turned forty. Then my face just seemed to cave in."

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

The Woodstock Medical-Emergency Tent - 1994

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

"Do you have any books on releasing the tiger within?"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

"I don't think your old sports jersey shrunk. I think you grew."

'of course it's not natural: He dyes his mane to cover up his grey hair...'

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

'It's really nothing - Looks like baby boomer age spots.'

"Without a doubt... the first sixty!"

'All this job requires is some mud-wallowing and snarling... I'd say you're overqualified.'

Whale Pattern Balding

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

'-and to all you night owls out there...'

"Good news, we found a plant the cured baldness."

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

'I suppose they call it 'Middle age' because that is where you age shows...'

'It's 'any little boy CAN grow up to be President ' -- It's not a REQUIREMENT.'

Same Sexless Marriage

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."