Midlife Humor Fan Gifts

You know you're getting older when there are more candles on your cake than calories in it!

Middle-Age Superheroes

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

"Do you have any books on releasing the tiger within?"

"Actually, I'm pretty sure aging naturally and aging gracefully are mutually exclusive."

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"Norman still has seventies flashbacks sometimes."

Short on top, medium on the sides, and not bald in back.

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"Warren's too cautious to cure his mid-life crisis with a motorcycle, so he's rebelling by driving shirtless."

"I don't think your old sports jersey shrunk. I think you grew."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

'of course it's not natural: He dyes his mane to cover up his grey hair...'

"Hello, police? I'd like to report some suspicious activity. A youth without a phone in his hand."

'It's really nothing - Looks like baby boomer age spots.'

"Tell me this is just your mid-life crisis."

'The Streetwise Men.'

"Avocado...t-toast..."

"No, I do not live in my parents basement...it's a walk out."

Whale Pattern Balding

'Dang.'

'She says her wrinkles are laughter lines, but nothing is that funny!'

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

'I suppose they call it 'Middle age' because that is where you age shows...'

Surveillance Camera Phones on the Premises.

Same Sexless Marriage

"You're not losing your hair Dad, it's right here in your comb."

"I'm going to need a hug, Maurice - it's from the A.A.R.P."

birthday meets reality

'Does my wife miss me? Last time home, five near misses before I got out through a closed window.'

'I'm 43, but I'm having it changed to 38 by deed poll.'

"It's beak-proof. That makes it perfect for the hen-pecked husband."

"Are there other visual cues you can give your husband when you don't agree with him?"