Metrics Skeptic Gifts

'Don't hide behind sales figures, Bill. We both know terminating me is philosophically unsound.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"I'll show you our growth projections but only if you promise not to snicker."

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

Alternative Medicine

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

"Are you sure he tested negative?"

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

'No, that doesn't make any difference either, Miss Jones.'

Coincidence or What?

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

Weight Gain Denial

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"I totally meant to do that."

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."

"Solar flares may be a contributing factor or perhaps it's a negative vibe sensitivity...."

"You got 50% and 45% for accuracy!" "That's over 100%...Yes!"

Doing Something About the Weather

Science deniers Soc.

GOP presidental candidates on science!: 'Billions for astrollogers! Zero for astronomers!' s

'It's just a conspiracy by scientists to get funding.'

"Recent studies now show that people who use the aphorism ‘whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ have compromised immune systems."

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."

Please seat to be weighted.

Today's Topic: "Intelligent Design." Do you believe in "intelligent design"? I did until I met you.