Stats Skeptic Gifts

"So, fifty percent loved the advert!" "That's right...I did, but my wife didn't."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

Alternative Medicine

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

'If America's economy is so bad how can we afford a billion dollars on presidential campaigns?'

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

Coincidence or What?

"You call yourselves a demographic?"

This horse isn't dead. It's just sleeping.

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

'Don't hide behind sales figures, Bill. We both know terminating me is philosophically unsound.'

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

The private sector is a parasite on the economy.

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"A new survey shows only 3% of Americans take surveys, but everyone believes the stupid things."

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

"Would you have a moment to take a short survey about your experience?"