Statistic Skeptic Gifts

'Whenever there's four out of five doctors, he always has to be the fifth one!'

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

'And from what we've been able to determine, this is the tweak that broke the paradigm's back.'

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"We made a miscalculation, but it's consistent with our over-all strategy."

Alternative Medicine

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

"God works in mysterious ways."

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'In an effort to make this sales meeting more pleasant, I have taken the liberty of rotating our sales graph counter clockwise a full ninety degrees,'

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

When Downsizing has Gone Too Far...

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

Coincidence or What?

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'Don't hide behind sales figures, Bill. We both know terminating me is philosophically unsound.'

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

"What I like about intelligent design is that it explains everything will proving nothing."

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

'We studied the multiplication table in school today -- frankly, I don't believe a word of it.'

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

'I was born with math immunity, so I'm special. I know that.'

"I totally meant to do that."

'And now, Henderson will introduce his 25-part plan on spontaneity.'

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."