Data Skeptic Gifts

'Our actual performance over the last quarter depends much on one's perspective. Take, for example, this perspective.'

Coincidence or What?

"You're statistically impossible - go away!"

"Thanks for your input Branston, but I've decided to go with my intution"

We value your privacy. . . . . yeah, right.

'Before you use that information, I ought to tell you that the computer predicted we'd have record profits last year.'

"Your call and personal data may be monitored for brainwashing purposes."

"It's a good thing I replaced my old pollsters with you! What have you done to make results rise like this?"

"There's a 75% probability that the election go one way or the other, but I wouldn't try to hold me to that!'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"I need a deeper access to his brain. Only google has the records."

"That recruitment algorithm we’ve been using, I think we need to revisit it!"

I.T. Fear

March Against Big Tech: "Oh, wow, this has bee great for my step count!"

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

'Tech stocks dropped on the finding that technology isn't neccessarily the best solution to everything.'

"It looks like a perfectly balanced system to me."

"And may I now introduce Professor Muckenspucker, who is an authority on artificial stupidity."

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"Of course, if they ever start to suspect all their TVs are watching them back, we may have problems."

Computer Class.

Alternative Medicine

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

The fate that awaits us all: creeping Rooneyism

GPS can still have a few bugs in the system.

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

Censorship? We Don't Do That Here.

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

We need to see him because there's no satellite-based system to guide us on a trip down the path to enlightenment.

Privacy

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

"We need to rethink our strategy of hoping the Internet will just go away."