Data Disbeliever Gifts

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"

Fear/Knowledge

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

Big Data Tonight

'I tried to warn him - garbage in, garbage out.'

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

"Why does it always have to represent something?"

The other digital divide.

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

Coincidence or What?

"I know it seems cruel, but it's the only way for him to get rid of that silly technophobia."

'This must be the effect of the climate change! Even the data cloud has started to rain!'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

'Rap sheets! All the latest criminal stats! Get your rap sheets here!'

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

Statistics department with 'You are here (sampling error +/- 4%)'.

"Here we see the size of your portion, choice of toppings and cost per slice. If we're in agreement, I'll place the order."

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."

Likes Charts Likes Pie

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

Door labelled: 'False Economy Analysis & Research.'

"Recent studies now show that people who use the aphorism ‘whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ have compromised immune systems."

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

Remember, statistics are in the eye of the manipulator.

Peep-A-Boo Spyware: 'Your Privacy is Our Eminent Domain!'