Data Disbeliever Gifts

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"

Fear/Knowledge

'My name's Google and I'm being inundated with requests for information about every damn thing imaginable, by people I don't even know...It's endless!'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

Big Data Tonight

'I tried to warn him - garbage in, garbage out.'

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I've edited your Wikipedia entry again, Sadie. You're about to be inundated with phone calls from the press." "Whatever, geek-boy." "You're now the world's foremost authority on Turkey leprosy, the disease that's threatening to ruin the holidays." "No one'll believe that." "Oh yeah? I wrote a Wikipedia page for Turkey leprosy, too, along with examples of all the historical figures it's killed, such as the Archduke of Crushistan." "There is no 'Crushistan.'" "I've written a Wikipedia entry for C

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

"Why does it always have to represent something?"

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

People, please listen. I'm talkin 'bout the income gap. The top one percent of Americans get one third of the nation's income, over double what they got in 1980. One-third. The income for the top 0.01% is 196 times the bottom 90%. Your wages have stagnated and the super-duper rich have gotten super-duper richer! How can you possibly swallow your coffee? Because you're making me do math before noon!

The other digital divide.

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

Coincidence or What?

"I know it seems cruel, but it's the only way for him to get rid of that silly technophobia."

'This must be the effect of the climate change! Even the data cloud has started to rain!'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

'Rap sheets! All the latest criminal stats! Get your rap sheets here!'

Statistics department with 'You are here (sampling error +/- 4%)'.

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

"Here we see the size of your portion, choice of toppings and cost per slice. If we're in agreement, I'll place the order."

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."

Likes Charts Likes Pie

"Recent studies now show that people who use the aphorism ‘whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ have compromised immune systems."

Door labelled: 'False Economy Analysis & Research.'

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

Remember, statistics are in the eye of the manipulator.