Digital Nonbeliever Gifts

"I know it seems cruel, but it's the only way for him to get rid of that silly technophobia."

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

Rare Books

"Stinkin' fake news!"

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

The other digital divide.

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

"Fit the reality to our statistics!"

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

Books On Paper

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"My computer still won't work. It must still hold a grudge from when I punched it in frustration."

"Trust your instinct son, not the rubbish spewed on Social Media..."

'Miss Wayson, find out who put this computer on my desk and tell them to get it the hell out of here!'

Unsocial Media

"My computer doesn't understand me!"

'You didn't hear me say my prayers because I texted them.'

"I'm not saying it's spying on us, but it's asking me to 'select all the images of yourself selecting all the images of yourself.'"

"Jeez, dad. Your computer is so old it came with a flag to put up when you want to send an email."

'I don't have my homework because my dial-up modem couldn't connect with my on-line homework helper.'

No Connection.

'You have to learn arithmetic in case your computer crashes.'

The end of grammar & spelling is near.

'Boy, they sure don't make teaching software the way they used to!'

Shooting the Messenger

'Godfrey is our only man who retains the skill to check e-books against original source material.'

'I knew I shouldn't have given that smart meter my credit card!'