Digital Deniers Gifts

"It keeps asking me if I'll accept cookies... I'm not even hungry!"

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

Rare Books

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

The other digital divide.

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

"I know it seems cruel, but it's the only way for him to get rid of that silly technophobia."

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

Books On Paper

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'

"I can't stand reality. What makes you think I'll enjoy it virtually?"

"Well, if you can't trust software upgrades, who can you trust?"

"My computer still won't work. It must still hold a grudge from when I punched it in frustration."

"Trust your instinct son, not the rubbish spewed on Social Media..."

'Print is Dead.'

Unsocial Media

'Miss Wayson, find out who put this computer on my desk and tell them to get it the hell out of here!'

"My computer doesn't understand me!"

'I don't have my homework because my dial-up modem couldn't connect with my on-line homework helper.'

"Podcasts, blech. It's like eavesdropping without the intrigue."

No Connection.

"Jeez, dad. Your computer is so old it came with a flag to put up when you want to send an email."

"I'm not saying it's spying on us, but it's asking me to 'select all the images of yourself selecting all the images of yourself.'"

'You have to learn arithmetic in case your computer crashes.'

'I knew I shouldn't have given that smart meter my credit card!'

"You've got mail! Also, Time, CNN, HBO, ICQ, Warner Bros, Netscape, Sports Illustrated. . . . ."

'Boy, they sure don't make teaching software the way they used to!'

The end of grammar & spelling is near.