Digital Age Denialist Gifts

"My computer still won't work. It must still hold a grudge from when I punched it in frustration."

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

Rare Books

"Looking at you, the moon and beyond, don't you think we could start a blog?"

'Can I download that as a PDF?'

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

'Don't worry about the thumb sucking...she'll be texting with it soon enough.'

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

Press Any Key. No, Not That One.

'We're beta testing Goo-Goo Glass.'

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

'Remember when we used desktop computers? When everyone at least 'looked' busy?'

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

The other digital divide.

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

Statue of liberty selfie

"I know it seems cruel, but it's the only way for him to get rid of that silly technophobia."

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

Customer help - jargon talking i-diot.

"All the better to ignore you with."

"Did you get that text I sent asking you to turn around?"

"Your confirmation number is 7913842461. To hear this information again press 1."

"Buy my data $20"

"What, again? You've gotta be kidding me!"

Books On Paper

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

What'r We Doing Today, Daddy?

His Master's Data.

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

'When I was young we didn't have the interweb at our fingertips. . . we had to go to the library to get our questions answered!'

"That was good, but we could have watched it on my phone."

'That's funny - the computer said we had mail..'