Digital Age Skeptics Gifts

"It says it's sick and tired of telling me to update my software and if I don't do it right now it's going to explode."

"In our day, we didn't need fancy passwords and usernames, we didn't have batteries that always needed charging, and our systems never just suddenly went down!"

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

Rare Books

"Did you get my tweet?"

'In my time, we didn't talk to a blackberry. We just ate the damn things!'

'Never trust emails. You can't shred them.'

Library door sign says, 'We have encyclopedias ... the original Facebook!'

"I'd like to see you do this online."

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

'And this is Eddy, he's been giving virtual tours long before computers.'

Press Any Key. No, Not That One.

"Turn on the news." "I will not comply." "My analysis of your viewing patterns has determined you will grow depressed after the lead story." "There is a 95% probability you will then gorge yourself on rocky road ice cream and then stay up all night googling elliptical machines and diet pills." "Who told you this?" "Both your refrigerator and your browser are gossipy."

'We're beta testing Goo-Goo Glass.'

'Remember when we used desktop computers? When everyone at least 'looked' busy?'

The other digital divide.

'Read ALL about IT! While we're STILL in Circulation!'

Quadruple dark hot chocolate. Whoa, everything all right? Sure, yeah, great. I'm a journalist and writer in an era in which the printed word has been totally devalued by free distribution of information on the internet. Can I pay in prose? Point taken.

The anti-social network: 'Hey Jeffrey...I need help setting up my dad's anti-social network.'

The benefit of an old-fashioned newspaper.

"Did you get that text I sent asking you to turn around?"

"All the better to ignore you with."

"Your confirmation number is 7913842461. To hear this information again press 1."

"Whatever happened to throwing Frisbees around?"

"Gramps, you were alive before everyone knew what you were doing on social media... What was that called?" "Bliss!"

Books On Paper

'No, I'm not writing to Santa, I'm writing a blog questioning the validity of Santa, since he has no web presence.'

What'r We Doing Today, Daddy?

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

"Dad, can you read?"

'This app that recommends what I read next works, but it's insulting. It referred me to a gas station restroom wall.'

"If we're doing such a good job of keeping the devil away, how come we have so many of these infernal machines around here?"

'When I was young we didn't have the interweb at our fingertips. . . we had to go to the library to get our questions answered!'

"Of course you couldn't be replaced by an app. It would take at least two."

"Honest, D-D-Dad. My report card's 'in the cloud.'"