Medieval Bard Gifts

Mandoline and birthday presents

King Arthur on the lake trying to open letters when the lady of the lake offers a letter opener.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'Sire, your new fortress was fine for your nephew's fifth, but I fear it is set for a sterner test.'

Knight Golfing

"Early model of baggage claim"

"What the hell took so long?"

"It isn't much of a dragon, but then, she wasn't much of a maiden."

'OK, so I fumbled. Now can you cure it or not?'

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

Missing You.

"Our focus group will butcher your focus group."

The Beard in the Stone

"He just found that 'pillage' rhymes with 'village'."

They loved the presentation on competing in the marketplace.

'A message from the Vikings, sire. It says, 'we've got spirit! Yes, we do! We've got spirit! How about you!?'

Before putting on your armor...always check for mice!

'MUM, go and get Daddy, there's another knight coming: This is so much fun!'

"To begin with, I would like to express my sincere thanks and deep appreciation for the opportunity to meet with you. While there are still profound differences between us, I think the very fact of my presence here today is a major breakthrough."

When cockroaches go unchecked.

Viking sitting patiently while his wife winds her wool on his helmets horns to sort it out.

'Henry, we can't begin to make progress unless your friend leaves the room.'

"It appears to be a giant boil, sire."

"Say! While I'm off in the Holy Land, why don't you find a little crusade of some kind that interests you?"

'He'll stop being so smug when he gets his first dent.'

"But I use all of them!"

Knights of the Square Table.

Man In The Stocks Used As A Clock

"You fools! That's not the boiling oil, that's my beef casserole!"

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

'You can't recuse yourself from a war!'