Medieval Fantasy Buff Gifts

'Sire, your new fortress was fine for your nephew's fifth, but I fear it is set for a sterner test.'

Knight Golfing

"For the last time, I’m not Bigfoot — I’m Larry from Vermont!"

"What the hell took so long?"

"Our focus group will butcher your focus group."

Missing You.

The Beard in the Stone

'Of course it's safe. It has no preservatives, no additives, no artificial coloring...'

'MUM, go and get Daddy, there's another knight coming: This is so much fun!'

They loved the presentation on competing in the marketplace.

"To begin with, I would like to express my sincere thanks and deep appreciation for the opportunity to meet with you. While there are still profound differences between us, I think the very fact of my presence here today is a major breakthrough."

When cockroaches go unchecked.

'Henry, we can't begin to make progress unless your friend leaves the room.'

Antler Buzzers.

"Say! While I'm off in the Holy Land, why don't you find a little crusade of some kind that interests you?"

Medieval Office Supplies

Knights of the Square Table.

"You fools! That's not the boiling oil, that's my beef casserole!"

'You can't recuse yourself from a war!'

"We'll settle this the old-fashioned way - with a dance-off."

"Never gonna give thou up -- Never gonna let thou down -- Never gonna run around and desert thouuuuuu."

'How come I always get the shoulder with the parrot?'

'This year, Sire, I've created a socko narrative of scatological raillery and rollicking nihilism which ends with a sexy justification for third quarter losses.'

The princess and the key

Beware of the Dragon

'Oh, I hate when this happens! What do you do when you get a song stuck in your head?'

"I hate when he stays late on the throne just to avoid the tension at home."

"With a little luck he'll be a benevolent teenager."

"This is the first time you've ever planned a moat, I'm guessing?"

"We've never had a Cheshire cat in the surgery before. He's not very happy to be here is he?"

Unicorn Joust

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Balloon